Potty and Malfoy
by fidelio-fickles-revenge
Summary: Whips, vinyl, fishnets, HARRYDRACO, and ALL...THAT...SLASH!
1. Potty and Malfoy Sittin in a Tree

**Disclaimer**: All original characters belong to Joanne Rowling; don't sue.

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**AN**: This story contains some SLASH/LEMONS whatever you like, so if you don't like, don't read. Don't flame about it either, actually, do flame if you really want, 'cos I feel like picking a fight!

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**POTTY AND MALFOY SITTING IN A TREE…**

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**Chapter 1: Encounter of the Usual Kind**

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Harry was out on a limb of the Whomping Willow crocheting a tea-cosy for Dobby. (_ha ha, get it? He's out on a limb? Do you like my lameness? I find lameness attractive in a lame way. You can obviously tell that I have no life._) It was to be green with little embroidered grub-roses around the rim, straps to tie up under the chin and earflaps to keep Dobby's giant ears warm in winter. Unfortunately, even though Harry had come up with the idea, he didn't know how to crochet; that's why he had "_101 Crochet Patterns for Crochet-phobics" _open on his lap. 

If he had been smart, he would have asked McGonagall to teach him how to transfigure something into a tea cosy with flaps and straps, but you know Harry, he can be a bit, umm, mentally challenged. *Ehem* *cough* *cough*

"Blast, I've miscounted a stitch. So, it's loop 3, no wait, 4. Aaaaahhhhh! I can't take this anymore! I quit! I'll just BUY him a tea-cosy." 

But then he remembered that the tea-cosy must have flaps and straps on it as well. Isn't that right Harry?

"Shut up! I'll just glue some string and cotton-balls on!"

With that, he leapt out of the tree, but not before flinging the book and his crochet needle to the ground with obvious regard for people who were walking under the tree…NOT! Well, by some strange fate, he 'just happened' to hit Malfoy on the head, who also 'just happened' to be passing under the tree at the precise moment. 

Doesn't that look a little sus to you? You know what **_I_** think? **_I_** think that this was all a set-up. Oh well, who cares?   

"Hey watch what you're flinging Potter! You could seriously hurt someone you know. Someone pretty like me! It's not like I'm not retarded enough already, without YOU chucking books at my head!"

"Good to hear that you know it Malfoy, but it's not like you're going to be using your remaining two brain cells any time in the near future, so I don't see what the problem is. So if you'll excuse me, I have to wash my hair." Harry snatched the book from Malfoy, whacked him on the head again and walked slowly back to the castle before Draco could react. Yes, that's right, he _walked slowly. _

_Ten minutes later…_

"But he just washed it this morning after Quidditch…"

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AN: That's all she wrote folks! Ok, well, if you review, I'll grind out another instalment of POTTY AND MALFOY for your viewing entertainment. But the conditional phrase here is: **_IF YOU REVIEW…_So you'd better review.   **


	2. Potter on the Potty

**DISCLAIMER: I (STATE YOUR NAME) DISCLAIM ALL OWNERSHIP OF ALL CHARACTERS IN THE FOLLOWING (NAME OF TEXT) BY (INSERT NAME OF AUTHOR)**

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**AN:** Thanks for the reviews guys; it was quality reading material **(yeah…ALL FOUR OF THEM)! Anyway, thought I would entertain you with an exciting new chapter to my story…NOT! Well, the part about it being a new chapter is certainly true. So without further ADO, I present to YOU… (_oh my god…how LAME am I?_)**

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**POTTER ON THE POTTY**

If you were standing outside the Prefects bathroom with the sound-proof doors…you wouldn't have heard anything, HOWEVER, if you were standing on the OTHER side, you would have heard Harry growling, moaning and screaming in either agony or pleasure. (_It was hard to tell_) If you think about it, a two-foot faecal impaction is very much like a baseball-bat up your arse isn't it? And if you happen to be into that kinda stuff…well…

Harry's eyes were glazed over when he came out of the Prefects bathroom and _floated_ down to Potions. He would certainly need to ask Snape for another fortnight's worth of Constipation Potion, that is, to make him more constipated. 

_Later that afternoon, in the common room…_

"RON! HERMIONE! SOMEBODY HELP!!!" 

"Harry, what it is? What's wrong? Is it your scar? Have you had a nightmare? Are your boots dirty? Do you want me to lick them?"

"No, I just want the new password to the Prefects bathroom you crazy woman! Oh, you CAN lick my boots if you want to, but I guess you'll have to take a ticket and wait in line."

At that precise moment: 

"What's the matter Harry? Did someone try to kill you again?"

"RON! What's the new password?"

"Tea cosy, why? Hey! Wait a minute! How the hell did you get in here if you don't know the password?" Ron suddenly gasped and let out a piercing scream.

"RUN! EVERYONE RUN! IT'S VOLDEMORT DISGUISED AS HARRY! RUN!"

However, what Ron _forgot_ to do was to _keep his eyes open_ while he was running; as a result, he got about as far as the closest wall before falling over unconscious.  

"I meant the password for the bathroom. Hermione?" 

"It's Latus Rectum."

"Thanks 'Mione!"

With that he practically ZOOOOOMED off to the toilets and occupied the stall closest to the door for no apparent reason other than the fact that it was close to the door, (_you know; easy in, easy out, heehee_).

_Later, still in the common room…_

Ron had awoken and he was laying down on a sofa with a furry ice-pack pressed to his forehead and a bloody stupid _nice hot cup of tea_, on the table next to him. 

(_If I hear ANTHING more about a fucking 'nice hot cup of tea', I will personally make sure that the person will never even THINK about a 'nice hot fucking cup of tea' for the rest of their days!_) 

Ron was staring up at the ceiling in a preoccupied manner, and if I didn't know any better, I'd say that he was thinking, because he actually was. 

"Hermione?"

"Yes Ron?"

"I've been thinking…"

"Well, that's a nice change, but are you sure you want to be doing that after you've just had a concussion?"

"Huh? _(Long pause)_ Yeah, well, I was thinking that ever since the beginning of school, all Harry has ever really said to me is 'What's the new password to the Prefects bathroom?'"

"Ron, that's not speculation, that's observation. And yes, I've noticed it too." 

"Whatever; the point is; do you think we're being used?"

_Meanwhile, back on the potty… _ 

As Harry had just managed to squeeze out the first stool, he heard a familiar voice which made the head of the newly emerging one shrink right back. 

"Keep it down in there Potter; I'm trying to sleep in here! Why don't you wank in your own bloody common-room?!"   

"Because unlike –ungh- the Slytherins, we Gryffindors –arrrgh- have a sense of dignity and –aaaahh- self preservation!"

The end of this retort was marked with the voluminous sound of a large object hitting water, emanating from the cubicle next to Malfoy's. 

"Yeah, pull the other one Potty! Self-preservation my arse! Unlike you goat-sucking little Gryffindors, the occupants of Slytherin house are real men with meat to match! Have you ever measured up against Pansy? Bet you have a tiny one Potter! I bet it's about the size of my little finger!"

Another one hits the pool. There was silence for a few seconds and when Harry did speak, he was very quiet. (_This is not the bit where it gets fluffy by the way.)_

"Malfoy, how long have you been sleeping here?"

"Umm…ever since I took my pants off. Why?"

"Do you live here?"

"Yeah, but so do you."

"No, I mean, in this bathroom."

"Maybe..."

There was another long pause, not even alleviated by the drop of a turd.

"Draco?"

"Yeah?"

 "Did you get kicked out of your house because your dick was too small?"

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**AN:** **Ok peeps! That's all you're gettin' for free today! I know you can do better than four reviews. You guys had better feed my ego!!**

**To** **Cheezmunkies****: Do you also believe in the toilet monster? Wow, I have found a kindred spirit. I guess this story goes out to you then.**

**Hey, guess what? My Dad came up just then and told me that he had fleas! No, seriously!**

**AS FOR THE REST OF YOU… you know what to do!**

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	3. Just Keep it in the Closet

**DISCLAIMER:** I disclaim all knowledge that I have ever even heard of HARRY POTTER. (Due to my amnesia)

**AN:** Did I say something about **LACK OF REVIEWS? **Oh, wait, I'm meant to have amnesia aren't I? Ok, forget it. Just read and review. 

**AN:** DITTO!

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**JUST KEEP IT IN THE CLOSET**

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"Oh God! I just can't get enough of this! Ungh! OOOOOHHHHHH! Look how smooth it is. Look how shiny, how cool to the touch! Goyle! Get me some more vinyl, I MUST have MORE."

_Outside, while eavesdropping…_

"What the fuck does Malfoy want with so much vinyl?" 

Harry scratched his balls and started trotting back to the Gryffindor common room to contemplate this new problem.

"SHIT!" 

Potty quickly ducked into the nearest broom closet and proceeded to pull up his stockings. _(Don't you hate it when your stockings are too loose and they keep slipping down, and you have to walk in a really retarded way to keep them up?)_

Well, it was a good thing too that the broom closet happened to be convenient _(but isn't it always?)_, otherwise, Harry would have found himself facing Dumbledore in nothing but a pair of fishnets and stilettos, that is, after Snape had finished with him. 

Now all he had to do was tell Malfoy to stop groping him. 

"Stop groping me Malfoy!" 

_(I told you he was obedient; sit boy!)_

"And what if I don't?" 

"Umm, I don't know, I'll…do something mean, yeah, that's it!"

"Well, in that case, I'm just going to have to run the risk aren't I?" With that, he continued to feel Harry up. 

"By the way Potter; what are you doing walking around the school wearing just a pair of stockings? You could step on something sharp you know."

"But I'm not; I'm wearing a pair of stilettos too. See?"

Harry lifted one of his feet but he was just so synchronised that he ended up lifting both feet. 

*_Phwump__*_

"AAAAAAAAGGHHH! Fucking Hell! _Etorandsoffeeow__!_" (_Translation: Please unhand me at once!)_

Draco peered out of the keyhole, then opened the door so that only a sliver of light invaded the closet. There was no one in sight, but he couldn't be sure. What if a student suddenly came out of any one of the classrooms?

Harry suddenly started to kick and struggle, but Malfoy didn't take his hand away even after Potter drooled all over his palm.

"Ssssshhh! Shut up you dickhead! Do you wanna' get us both expelled?"

"_eth" (Translation: Affirmative)_

Malfoy took his hand away from Harry's slobbery mouth and wiped it on someone's broom.

"You're such a wanker Potter!"

"I know; it's a perfectly normal activity. Did you know that by the age of 18, almost 80% of boys will have masturbated to reach orgasm? Are you part of that 80% Draco? If not, you should apply for membership ASAP"

"Shut up."

"By the way Malfoy; what do you want with so much vinyl?"

Draco stared into the darkness, in the general direction of Potter. He peered through the keyhole again to make sure that nobody was listening. 

"Can you keep a secret Potty?"

"Yes!" 

"Good, so can I; now stay."

_Later that evening…_

Malfoy sauntered down to dinner whistling to himself, and quite oblivious to the fact that there was a lot of banging and screaming coming from the closet around the corner. 

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**AN: That's it for today.** **Thanks to the three people who reviewed. I'm tired because I just came down from my caffeine high. The next one will be better and perhaps longer. I already have the concept for it, and if it wasn't for the fact that Harry had suddenly swerved into a bloody broom closet, I would have carried on with my original idea. But hey, that means I got two stories out of one concept, that's not so bad you know. **

**Cheezmunkies****: Thanks for the idea; you probably don't know what I'm talking about right now, but you will understand when you read the next story (but it doesn't involve toilets). *Really smug and secretive expression directed your way***

**Midnightblues****: Thanks for the review and it's good to know that people like to laugh once in a while; just…don't take it overboard. I mean, you should really just…_keep it in the closet. _Actually, don't; you know what? Laugh for all I care. Humour is great, and if you feel better when Draco and Harry are funny, then good for you!   **


	4. Madame Malfoy!

Disclaimer: I disclaim all ownership to any of the characters within this story. 

**AN: I was a bit slack in putting up this chapter, as in I skipped a few weeks…or maybe months (same thing), but hey, it's here, so just sit back, untwist your panties, and go with the flow. **

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**MADAME MALFOY**

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It had been a whole three days since Harry was last locked in the broom closet by Malfoy, and he needed to pee REALLY badly. Unfortunately, Harry had not been able to control his bladder and this resulted in a little accident. However, misfortune never strikes alone, because Filch discovered that he was locked inside when he came upon Mrs. Norris lapping up a large smelly puddle that appeared to have leaked from the closet. If it had been anyone else, except maybe Snape, Harry might have been able to cope, but the look of pure glee on Filch's face would haunt him forever.

Breakfast for Harry was uneventful because he didn't go. He thought that he would be able to avoid a torrential downpour of questions if he didn't have to confront the school en masse. He decided that since he'd missed a whole lot of class lately, then one more day couldn't hurt. So, he just decided to randomly wander the corridors outside bathrooms and people's common rooms in the hopes that he'd hear some juicy stuff. 

As can be expected, Slytherin common room never fails to deliver. Draco's falsetto could once be heard penetrating the thick walls. 

"Ok boys; how do I look? Come on, be honest!" 

Harry glued his ear to the door to hear Goyle's remark.

"Oh Drakey baby, you look like the real thing!"

"What do you mean _look_? Honey, I _am_ the real thing! Just wait till Harry sees me in this! He'll SCREEEEM!!!" At which point, Draco let out an ear-piercing scream, causing Harry to jump and forget that his ear was glued to the door. 

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Harry came out of the infirmary with his ear bandaged and knocked Dobby out for making a comment about his resemblance to a house elf. When he got back to the common room, it was silent and he was quite surprised, but he forgot that tonight was "Astronomy Tower Night", which meant he wouldn't be getting any if he didn't go now, and just when he was bloody horny too! Oh well, the Restricted Section would suffice.

There was the glow of a dimmed lamp coming from the Restricted Section as well as a few muffled moans. A book of explicit Quidditch positions lay open in front of Harry as he jacked off under his invisibility cloak.

*Crack* 

"AAAAAAAHH! Hey! That hurt!" 

*Crack*

"Ouch! Cut it out! It really hurts! Who the fuck are you anyway?"

*Crack*

"Jeez Potter! I thought you were blind cos you were a nerd, should have figured, I mean, Granger doesn't wear glasses…frigid bitch."

"MALFOY?!!! WHAT THE FU…"

*Crack*

"WILL YOU JUST QUIT THAT? FOR…"

"Lower your voice Potter; wouldn't look too good if you were caught in the restricted section, by _Filch_, wanking to a Quidditch book." 

"Like you can talk Malfoy; what would Daddy think about little Drakey walking around with a big nasty whip?"

"But Harry, I did this for YOU! I thought you were into this kind of thing!"

"Not when you start trying to flog the skin of my arse!"

"Oh…sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you…much." 

Poor confused Draco giggled as his black vinyl bondage corset slipped a little. 

"You need more tissues to hold that up."

Draco sniffled and pulled a tissue out of his corset. 

"I know…it's just that everyone had diarrhoea, and well, Filch forgot to restock."

"So…"

"So?"

"Uh, what are you doing wandering around at this time of night?"

"I'm waiting for the smell to clear out of my cubicle." 

"You _lent _your _cubicle_ to someone?"

"What, how was _I _to know that there were chocolate laxative squares in the mousse? Thank god I'm allergic to that crap."

            "You _retard_! You actually let someone use your cubicle! That's like letting someone crap in your house! In your case, it'd be your bed. Dude you've got it hard. I mean, some people spend a week in the shithouse for messing up, but you practically _live_ there!"

Draco said nothing and looked down at his hands while he turned his Madame Lash hat round and round.

_Five minutes later…_

"I like your boots…"

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**AN: Yeah, I mean, who doesn't like Draco's boots? You must admit, as slutty as they look, Bondage boots really do look pretty damn funky! Anyway, just hit that review button right there and type any old crap in…or not. **

**Till we meet again…**

    


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